Being a stay-at-home parent– a luxury or a sacrifice?

I guess the answer to this question varies depending on who you ask, and on what day during their own lives, and probably on whether or not they are a parent themselves. I have been a strictly at home mom for nearly 2.5 years now, and have worked full time and part time hours since my kids were born, so I think I can say with some certainty that the answer is not the same for everyone. But, I gotta say, it ticks me off when I confess that I stay home to someone, who then gives me that sort of look that says, ‘Must be nice, wonder what her husband does,’ etc. It ticks me off for a couple of reasons, one of them being the assumption that we must have lots of money for me to be able to stay home, and also because it is at that point in almost every conversation with a new person that I am written off as a person with anything else in my world or brains than children and housework. It’s not as though I actually do anything after all, so what could I possibly contribute to a conversation. I have thought at some length about this lately, as there has been a push to develop programs in our local schools that cater to parents at home, and they are free! Preschool programs, parents are expected to participate, everyday in a local school! Wow, I thought, it is about time someone did something like this, because, in my opinion, no matter what is currently being spouted about childcare and families, etc. there is a group that is often overlooked. Who, you may ask? Parents who choose to stay home and raise their own children, that’s who. If you think about it, you’ll agree. Parents who raise their own kids at home are not benefiting from the hundreds of thousands spent on creating childcare spaces. This group often earn just enough to keep one parent at home, and probably because the childcare costs more than eat up the second earners income anyway, but they don’t earn little enough to let them qualify for any sort of funding for sports programs or educational programs. If one parent is at home, the family is doing without something because the family income is lower than it may have been. Often enough, with only one earner a preschool spot is out of the question because of the cost, swim lessons and the like as well. So, I would say ’sacrifice’ is more likely the way of it. Not a nasty bad sacrifice at all, but not deserving of the almost condescending ‘Must be nice…’ response so often on the faces of the people who think it must be so easy to stay home. It is nice not to go out in the weather to get to work for sure, nice to have lots of time to connect with your kids. Not so nice to be wholly dependant on one income, not so nice to be unable to afford 2 vehicles perhaps, or to pay for preschool, or for insurance, or for many of the essentials. I don’t know anyone who stays at home who doesn’t work just as hard on their family as someone who goes out to work and leaves much of the childrearing to someone else. I think that going out to work, getting a scheduled lunch break, working your brain a bit and getting a break from the kids is a luxury, frankly. What do you think?

Somebody remind me why I thought this was a good idea?

Not so many years ago, I was eagerly anticipating parenthood, and there are days when I wonder what the heck I was thinking. Now, my teenaged ‘bundle of joy’ is shut up in her room, badmouthing me to her friends no doubt, about some colossal example of my unfair treatment of her. I find this very hard to take, it is one of those moments when I ‘go to my happy place’ to keep my cool. I don’t want to get into shouting matches with her, because I think that is useless. I do want to be able to talk to her, see if we can find some middle ground between what she wants for her increasing freedom and autonomy, and what I want for my comfort as to her safety and well being. Super tough is when her dad is also in the mix, with his set of rules that take a lot more working on before there is much flexibility at all. I tell myself to try to remember when I was her age, I was probably just as unpleasant to my parents and wanted the freedom she feels she is denied, but this too is difficult for me. When I was her age though, my life was nothing like hers. My mother left my father, and effectively, me and my little brother, when I was 7, he was 4. My dad never remarried, and was not so good at relationships. He chose to keep all temporary liasons away from our family home, for the most part, so there was no woman in our house for most of the years I lived at home. I think this has to change someone, and so when I think about whether I gave my parents the same sort of crap I sometimes get from my own, I think I can be fairly honest and say, ‘No, not much’. Because when you are taught at such a young age that your parent can, and just might, walk away and out of your life, you are a little (or a lot) apprehensive about your security with the parent you still have. Maybe s/he will go away as well, and then where will you be. I still remember being at home after school, when ‘latch-key’ kids were common, with my little brother who was probably grade 1. My dad was late getting home, as was common, he was a self employed sub-trade. My poor brother! The later it got, and this is like after 3:30, before 5:30pm, the more upset my brother would become, crying and wailing until his cries were too much for me, at all of 8 years old, to handle and I would be angry at him, yelling at him to stop it. I am so glad he doesn’t remember those episodes, and that they weren’t too frequent, because looking back at it now I can’t help but feel guilty on some level, as though I should have recognized his fear of being abandoned again, should have been more empathetic. Silly really, as my own crisis didn’t come until many years later when my mother had a second family and asked me to come live with her. Then my own issues came roaring to the fore, and if not resolved are at least clearer. At least I know where some of my own issues are rooted. But, coming around to the beginning again, because of my own experiences without a mother in my life, I sometimes feel resentful at her lack of interest, at her rejection of me. And I am not an in your face parent, I don’t think. I just ask her to keep in touch when she’s out and about, answer the phone that I pay for when I call. I don’t hover over her and her friends, don’t need all the details about everything, don’t go too near, basically. Which is hard too, when compared to my own life. What I wouldn’t have given to have a mom around to take care of basically everything for me until I was more ready to do for myself. And, my experiences as a child have ensured that my kids will never know that life, not while I have anything to say about it. They will never wonder how a mother can walk away from her children, what they did wrong, why they were not good enough, not from me. From me, they will know that they can count on me to always be here for them. I knew going in to my life as a parent that I would be giving up, or putting aside, a lot of my own hopes and goals for my life. I knew it and was prepared, as much as anyone can be, to put myself on the back burner for as long as it takes to launch my kids, but oh, how long it seems sometimes. And I know some of you are saying, ‘Don’t do it, make time for yourself’ or ‘I can do it, why can’t you, whiner?’ (I am not whining, just venting). But in reality, there is only so much one person can do in a day, and I don’t do any of them exceptionally well, Martha Stewart I ain’t, but I make a stab at many of them. And at the end of it, I just want my own bed, and my own remote control for ah hour or so. And also true, and this observation comes from my more than 20 years of childcare experience, parents are fooling themselves if they think they are juggling all the balls that need juggling when both parents work and the kids are in childcare, lessons etc. Something isn’t working whether you want to admit it or not, and too often it is the child rearing that falls down in families that rely on childcare for the bulk of the week. No matter how it is spun, the truth is the truth, and that is that most children do best when they are at home being looked after by a parent for most of their early years. So, I am feeling a little frustrated that my conviction to raise my own children is not appreciated by those for whom I made the sacrifice in the first place, at the same time as I am glad they don’t know the alternative. A parenting quandry I guess.

How do you keep your lid on?

My friend asked me this the other day when we had a moment together to chat. She was wondering why I don’t often protest more demonstratively when faced with blatant inequality in my household. I told her I don’t see the point in that sort of thing very often, it would just make the kids upset, the hubby more grumpy, and my throat sore (I don’t yell often, so I’m no good at it and it hurts my throat! No career as a singer in store for me I guess) Anyhow, I was thinking of this conversation again this morning, as I was finishing the job of screwing down the subfloor in my new ensuite bathroom. This was after I had interviewed the second contractor in as many days to install a new window in this room, taken my youngest to school, packed lunches for all three kids and hubby too. Also completed by 11 this am was the construction of the framing for the wall niche I am determined to have in there, by me, and the measurments for the window framing, and the two new medicine cabinets. My lid even stays on when hubby mutters on his way out the door ‘there’s always something, always f–n something’. His ’something’ today was my dismay that he had forgotten to put leftover chili in the fridge after getting his late supper, despite having been in the kitchen twice. Why was it still out, you may wonder. Because my used-to-be-a-professional-cook partner insists that anything hot needs to cool to close to room temperature before being put into the fridge. So, there it was, cooling. And there it still was in the am. Now, we are not on the edge of starvation in my home, but I am not okay with wasting an entire meal like that, and to me, ‘ I fell asleep’ is not an okay pass. Regardless, all I said when he told me he had forgotten was ‘You’re joking, right?’ ( And this is the kind of joke he would make, so not a ridiculous query on my part). Then to hear him muttering as though he is hard done by, ooh I tell you, the lid was aquiver. I, like many at home moms I know, am the chief of everything in my house, almost. I deal with the traditional stuff like cooking, cleaning, childcare. I also take care of repairs and maintenance inside and outside my house, and I mean everything. I look after my own vehicle, I take charge of kids scheduling, sports, lessons, play dates, homework, the lot. I am even sometimes called on to assist him with small bits of his work. I get going at 7am with the kids, and I hit the hay around 10, once all the end of day stuff is done, or as done as it will get for today. I don’t know if I’m crazy here, but I don’t know anyone but moms who work as long a day. And you know, the hours after 10 may not be my own either. Somedays I don’t know how I keep my lid on either! Just go to your happy place, close your eyes and go to your happy place. Where is YOUR happy place?

Worried Grandma

Dear Mama,

I am the grandma to a perfect baby boy, just 5 months old. He is my 5th grandchild, and I raised 4 kids of my own. The baby’s mother and my son are both very young parents, and although I don’t want to undermine their fledgling confidence as parents, I am quite concerned about something I have noticed. The baby’s mother does not seem to enjoy nursing the baby, and doesn’t bottlefeed him instead, she just seems to avoid feeding him very often, or for very long. Both she and my son are very protective and devoted to the little guy,and have lots of family support, but do not seem to have figured out that the baby is boss when it comes to feeding schedules at his young age. I know the baby also sleeps all night, has done almost from birth, and as he was just 6 pounds then I am sure he should have been nursed at least twice at night then, and possibly still now as he isn’t yet taking any solid foods. I have made discreet inquiries to my son, and a close friend of the mother, so I know my concerns are not just in my head. I am worried about both the baby, and about losing contact with the baby should I say anything and offend the young mother. What would you do?

Worried Grandma

Dear Grandma,

If, as you say, baby only gets fed at long intervals, and for short periods of time, I think you are right to be concerned, particularly if your feelings are mirrored by others in the family circle. But, before you jump in with both feet, here is some food for thought. Perhaps all the support from family feels more like ’supervision’ to this young family, who likely did not have all the support they have now when they first announced their unexpected news. After all, it would be a rare family who greeted the news of an unplanned pregnancy to teen parents with joy, initially. Perhaps Mom’s attempt to control the nursing schedule is an unconscious way for her to declare her independence from the grandmas, as well as to assert herself as the mom. ( She may not yet be mature enough to recognize the potential for damage this thinking could incur) It is also possible that she finds breastfeeding uncomfortable, unpleasant, or embarrassing on some level, even if she clearly understands the benefits to her baby. She may even be harbouring an unconscious resentment towards the baby for the disruption he has caused in her life, even though she loves and cares for him. Regardless of the underlying reasons for mom’s reluctance, it is important for baby’s needs to come before moms most of the time at his age, and mom needs to be made aware. I would suggest you speak to your son, the baby’s father, let him be the first to approach mom. He is likely the best person to talk with her, as they are in this together, and she likely won’t feel pressured by him like she may by her mother or ‘mother in law’. Make sure he understands what the baby’s needs are at this age, and suggest ways he could offer to help, like giving the baby a bottle when he needs it at night, letting mom get an unbroken sleep once in a while without neglecting the babys need to eat. It is also important for mom to know that she doesn’t have to breastfeed if she doesn’t like it, the baby’s needs for nourishment can be met by a good baby formula, and she won’t be a ‘bad mom’ if she gives it up. It may even help her bond with her baby if the issue of nursing is out of the mix. It certainly will allow other members of the family to connect with the baby in a very cozy way, and it will also allow mom to regain some semblance of independence. There is a lot of truth to the saying that it takes a village to raise a child, but as most moms will probably tell you, it takes a while before most first time parents recognize it and reach out or accept input on the big adventure of parenting. Good luck, keep us posted!   Maaja.

Glad to be here!

Hello out there! This is the inaugural post, of a genuine newbie blogger mom at home. Why the ‘midlifemama’ title, you may be wondering? Well, as a parent of 3 between 7 and 14, I figure I am about halfway through the most involved part of my parenting career, and as a ‘39 and holding’ year old, I guess I am possibly midway through this whole adventure called life as well. ‘Midlifemama’ seemed appropriate somehow. Anyhow, I came up with the idea for this post as a venue to blow off steam actually, in one of those moments when I wonder to myself how the heck I got to this place in my life, and where am I in my life. When I talk to my friends about my frustrations and difficulties, I am amazed at the similarities we all seem to deal with in our lives, with kids, husbands and partners, parents, and stuff. We laugh about these things together, because it really seems true that unloading your ’stuff’ makes it seem a lighter load. Of course, it isn’t all laughs, because we all have some very ‘unfunny’ moments in our lives as well, but sharing those things makes them easier to bear sometimes as well. It is good to know you are not quite alone, even though it sure feels like it sometimes. Anyhow, in addition to allowing me to vent a bit in ‘mama at home’, I thought it might be fun and useful to add some informational aspects to the blogsite. With that in mind, I am thinking of an ‘Ask Mama’ section, which will be open to questions about almost anything you might like to ask–keeping in mind that ‘mama’ has an extensive background in early childhood education, has spent 20 plus working years with children aged 0 to school aged, and some training in child and family psychology. I am not a psychiatrist or a doctor of any kind, however I am willing to share what I have learned over the years of childcare - kind of like an ‘Ask Rhona’ or ’Dear Abby’ for the parenting set, just common sense advice for contributors to mull over and use or discard as they see fit. I think it would be cool to develop a network of parents to contribute to this, as parenting is such a big job and we all need a little help sometimes, even if it is just someone to listen and commisserate after a not so good day in the ‘mama zone’. I have a few other ideas up my sleeves as well, so I hope you will join in and check it out as I get things going!  Maaja.